El
My name is El and I’m a non-binary Christian. I realized I was different at the age of 10.
I had spent my entire life hearing condemnation towards gay people from my Baptist church. But there was a truth that I couldn’t suppress anymore: I like girls, along with having different feelings regarding my gender.
Despite the backlash I knew I could receive, I came out to my mom through Facebook messenger. The days ahead were tumultuous since we were all working out our beliefs about ourselves, each other, and God.
Pronouns: they/them
Photo of El
Because I lived in a vocal conservative town, I began self-harming. I believed that my body was wrong, which led me to feel a constant dread. I wanted to associate church with love, but all I could see was the preacher and the attendees who believed that I was living in sin (and a bunch of other awful things).
All I wanted was to be accepted as myself and to have a relationship with Jesus, and most people told me that I couldn’t have both. Stifling my true self was destroying me. I felt like I could not survive much longer if I had to act straight. And so because of this, I began to pray, research, and study.
I never felt conviction or condemnation when I was talking to God. I only felt those when I was with people. But my relationship with God came with enormous peace when I accepted that God made every part of me without mistakes.
I realized that the me who was repressing my queerness was in turmoil and the me who was embracing how I was created was thriving.
My relationship with God grew even though my relationship with the church had traumatized me.
Photo of El
